When things go wrong

What if within six months of your marriage you realised, that you and your spouse are not really made for each other?

Marriage. In theory, it seems like an ideal state for the first few months after the ceremony. Well, a good marriage is swell, but what if it never clicks? What if despite hundreds of things that went into making this heavenly plan take place, you feel that this is not it; that your spouse is not the person of your dreams?

Things do go wrong and there are a number of cases where despite minute looking into of specific details, you come to know of the truth only when you start living with a person. And even if all was well on the exterior, there is that chance that you may just not like your spouse enough to want to fall in love with him or her.

Anyway, so what should you do?

1. Are you bothered and cross with your spouse for no specific reason? First, find out the reason for yourself. If it is just small things like s/he can't decide between a masala dosa and a plate of noodles in a restaurant, or isn't bothered even if there has been no water supply for two days, don't fret. Please! Give a marriage enough reason to want to look for a solution. Usual crossness is okay, because don't forget that the first six months besides being a honeymoon is also the time when you are getting "adjusted" (where else you thought the word sprang from?) to each other. There will be pangs of discomfort off and on. Find what is behind the question mark that has taken shape in your head.
   
   

2. Marriages that started out great have just as much chance to say bye-bye as marriages that didn't start out that great. So don't start worrying in the initial few months if your spouse is absolutely not "The Right One". Nonone ever is. People who hang in are not very different from people who hang up on marriage. Pack your idealistic dreams and think. Can you grow strong as a team? Now that you are in it, hurriedly deciding to get out won't make any difference to your chances for a second marriage anyway. As writer Adela Rogers St John said "There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first." She had five. So she knew what she said. So hang on and see if it works. But please don't have a baby. We all know that children do nothing to make a weak marriage stronger. It is a total misconception that things will be fine once you have a child.
   
   

3. What if your spouse has epileptic fits and you were never enlightened about it? Ah. Here's a very good reason to want to pack up. Remember it is not the illness, it is the deceit that you are protesting against. It could be illness, it could be an earlier broken marriage, it could be lying to you about property and assets. Anything. Deceit needs to be questioned. Weigh your dislikes and ideals in life. Unless you are so much in love that anything goes or you don't mind being a victim, good luck to you. But plan to see a therapist very soon, because sooner than later the many shades of deceit will grate your nerves more than anything would.
   
   

4. What if it is things like BO or everyday habits and hygiene? Sounds a little far-fetched in Indian society where even severe verbal and physical abuse isn't enough ground for divorce? But the fact is that it is very probable that you start disliking a spouse because of bad hygiene or small little faults like being untidy and unclean about the house, the bedroom, and the bathroom. If you are not made for each other, this is just the seed for dislike. It will sprout and grow into some major row and cause for argument. And the newest range of deodorants will not help. Besides habits don't change overnight. Small concerns these, but if felt, they need to be pointed out and sorted out.
   
   

5. You may not be able to put a finger to what's wrong, yet you know at the bottom of your heart, it won't work. That dread in the pit of your stomach about your marriage will soon have the thoughts of an early divorce crisscrossing your mind. How can people say that divorce makes you a failure? You took a chance. You even tried to make it work. If it still doesn't, no amount of tolerance or adjustment is going to help you love someone you virtually despise, whatever your reasons. Divorce may be a necessity in some cases. Like a bandage that has to be tied to a bleeding wound.