Man's guide to a Woman's Language

1. "Fine" - silently hostile word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use "fine" to describe how she looks because this will only cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes" - its real equivalent is usually half an hour. In another equation, it is equivalent to the same five minutes that your television show is going to last before you take out the trash/wash the dishes, or some other house chore. Women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing" - really means something that you ought to know, and so you should be on your toes with this one. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - do not mistake this for angry permission; nothing could be further from the truth. This is a dare. If you mistake it for permission, the result will be that the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - this, too, is not permission. It means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh" - this is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very frequently misunderstood by men. Sometimes, it is the inarticulate prelude to "nothing". A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there, about to argue with you over "nothing."

7. "Soft Sigh" - the only positive utterance in her rapport, it means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh" - this word, followed by any statement, is a signal for plain trouble. If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "go ahead", followed by several unspeakable acts.

9. "It's okay" - this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "It's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "It's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "go ahead". Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for a lot of trouble.

10. "Please Do" - this is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. Like "go ahead" with raised eyebrows, it's a dare.

11. "Thanks" - she is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot" - this is dramatically different from "thanks", so be guided accordingly. A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh" and signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".