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Your first night

Of course, no one can teach you how to have sex. But a pre-marital chat on sex will take away a lot of anxiety that you feel. Here's what you can expect.

Men may advertise for virgin girls in their matrimonial ads, but when it comes to the bedroom, they expect you to be a seductress. Yeah, even on the first night. A contradiction, isn't it? As you will realise soon, marriages are a lot about finding balance within contradictions.

Pre-marital counselling:

Not very sought after in India even now, some psychological and clinical advice on sex can help save many a first night from being a passion pooper. Counselling teaches you that passion--an urgent product of desire--doesn't always develop on its own, it is often the hard-won fruit of intimate communication. Have you talked about your first night with your partner? If not, do so; it will help thaw a lot of apprehension. If possible, visit a counsellor and express all your reservations and queries.

The Honeymoon and The Hymen:

"Will I bleed?" "Will it be painful?" These are the most common questions, brides-to-be ask. Despite the fact that many of the urban couples these days have had some pre-marital sexual experience. And despite the fact that most of the educated people know that they hymen can rupture even due to strenuous sports, horse-riding etc, yet, the hymen remains a debatable issue with most couples, leading to much misunderstanding.

The answer to this is fairly simple. If your hymen is still unbroken, yes bleeding can occur (though it doesn't have to), and you may even experience a little pain the first time. But it doesn't last and is almost never anything serious.

Then there is the other area of general ignorance in connection with the hymen. In some cases, it does not even yield to sexual penetration, making intercourse an agonising encounter for the girl, and frustrating for the man. In such cases, the hymen has to be broken with a gynecologist's help. Sometimes a minor surgical procedure is required to make penetration possible, if there prevails a congenital malformation. But since very few couples know of this, it can make them distant and anxious in the initial days of marriage itself.

So whatever your personal experience, your strategy should be not to make a big deal about anything till you know what is causing the anxiety. Even men need to free themselves from the pressure to perform that can become a killing tension on the first night. If you make each other comfortable on the first night itself, good sex is sure to follow.

The Big O:

Since the female orgasm is not associated with ejaculation, many women (and men) develop crazy theories about it, often holding themselves responsible for anything that goes wrong. Chances are that a woman may not be able to achieve orgasm on the first night, because she has to first feel comfortable with her own body, with the intimacy that she develops with her groom, and it is a deep journey into personal uninhibition. It can't be rushed or dutifully fulfilled on the first night. So don't expect the earth or move or time to stand still on your wedding night. It is unrealistic for both of you.

Your libido, as Freud said, is the strongest thing about you. Treat it kindly. And it will stand by you.

Even if your husband is the understanding sort, with multiple expectations, vulnerability, redefinition of your personal space and all the things that marriage brings, the honeymoon can make you very jittery. Unless you are prepared for it.